Africa’s Loss a Painful Necessity
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Soweto, S.A. – Ghana’s ouster from Friday’s match with Uruguay (from now on known as U-ra-GAY) was met with weeping and gnashing of teeth by football fans all over the continent. The glory of Africa rested in the boots of one man, Asamoah Gyan, in a penalty kick gone awry after pinging off the cross bar. The hearts of not only a nation, but a whole continent were broken after U-ra-GAY cheated their way to the next round of the tournament
In an epic display of Pan Africanism the colors of red, gold and green flooded the stadium holding the blockbuster game as Nigerians, South Africans and Ivorians showed their support for Ghana. Alas, the hopes of the continent were crushed to dust, like 6 year old gari with the sweaty palms of U-ra-GAY’s Suarez. Now that the supporters of the Black Stars have sufficiently mourned and welcomed Ghana’s heroes back and victors in our eyes, it is incumbent upon us to ask “why?”. Why, when it seemed as though Almighty God Himself was dashing out scoring opportunities for the whole game did we still loose after a penalty shoot out? After consulting and bringing an offering of Ethiopian breast milk to the Oracles, a seven breasted, three armed being clad in a tattered Black Star jersey, the answer given was startling and simple: Because Africans don’t know how to handle greatness.
“Look at your stupid politicians,” screeched the Oracles. “Nigeria telling their team that they are banned from international competition. Using the Stars’ victory to say it’s because NDC has come to power that the team is advancing. Chopping FIFA money and then assembling your teams 3 weeks before the tournament instead of taking proper time to prepare.”
The Oracles pointed to her (his?) breasts and cried.
“Do you think I like sitting in this hut with my tattered jersey, knowing Africa had to loose? If we had gone on to win, these politicians and “big men” would never change their ways! Go and tell the people to stop mourning. Tell them to put away their ‘Best of Kenny Rogers’ cassette tapes and try to be cheerful.”
The mood on the street matched the analysis of the Oracles.
“Yes, it’s true,” added Kwame Poku, an unemployed resident of Adenta. “Also, look at how many people died after the USA – Ghana match. Five whole people died that night!”
Afia Bonsu, as unemployed agreed. She was planning of making a huge profit selling kaklo and minerals for and after party, depending on Ghana’s expected win.
“Is painful paa, but we have to get through it. Me myself, I haven’t been working because of World Cup. My children don’t go to school because the teachers won’t come…because of World Cup. Maybe is okay that we loose.”
Mouth turned downward, she strolled off, carrying her wares upon her head to hawk to a populace that has refused to eat for days.
All across Africa, the stories have been the same. Oil refineries have shut down. Civil servants cut their hours back from six to three hours a day. The burden was too much for one man and one team to bear. Had Ghana gone to the next round, it would cataclysmic results for the whole continent.
Yes, it is painful, but perhaps 840 million people can find it in their hearts to rally around other common causes outside of football to catapult the African continent into greatness. Until that day, we look forward to the underwear and personal belongings of the U-ra-GAY team being stolen by our crafty South African brethren. We shall claim their panties as our personal trophies.
