Paramount Chief Falls From Palanquin, Cites Bad Nutrition As Culprit
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Yoto, Togo - The pomp and pageantry of the Hogbeza festival was momentarily marred when paramount chief Etor Eyadema tumbled from his lofty perch in the ornately decorated palanquin ferrying him through the town. Above the drums and whistles, you could hear a unified “Eish!!!” from the participants in the crowd. Eyadema’s disgust was difficult to mask.
“Fifty to one hundred years ago, this never would have happened!” the chief proclaimed, deviating from his written address to the towns-people. “These 6 young boys carrying me have not been given proper nutrition at all. They have been fed food grown by foreigners. It does not give them the strength of our youths from the olden days.”
Citing breakfast foods such Corn Flakes, Blue Band butter and Lipton tea to be some of the main culprits, Chief Eyadema took the opportunity to call on the youth to consume more traditional foods, grown in the region for better strength.
“In my day, we used to eat plantain and beef for breakfast. And not this US grain fed beef; but rather beef from cows who have been grazing in our lush bush! These western countries, they bring us inferior rice and grains at cheaper prices, pushing our farmers out of the process. Our farmers can’t compete!”
Documents obtained by our sources revealed that Eyadema has himself benefited from the sale of western grown goods and services, levying a “Yoto Chief tax” on each item, payable to him at the palace. We asked his thoughts on his alleged benefit from these transactions.
“It’s very sad that you are missing the point here today,” he lamented. “Today, a Chief…a whole CHIEF was thrown from his palanquin. My own mother and 5 women over the age of 60 had to finish the procession and carry me through the town.”
He clicked his tongue in grief.
When asked if he could have merely walked the remaining 30 feet to his throne, he looked confused and seemed somewhat than aggravated.
“That’s absurd.”
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