Happy New Year!
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The new year is generally a time for reflection and resolve to better one’s self and his/her community. In Africa, millions of people will welcome in the new year giving praise to God in a church or a mosque. Most are comforted (or dismayed) by the fact that no matter how much they fast or pray, idiots will still running the continent and very little will change.
Johannesburg South Africa New Year's Celebration
As our editors look back on 2008, we’ve picked our favorite happenings and moments that baffled, amused and confused the world.
1. Pirates in Somalia - These malnourished fishermen in atritri (speed) boats somehow managed to out gun and outwit the mightiest nations on the planet and racked up millions of dollars in ransom money. We predict they will only get better and faster at disrupting shipping efforts of China and Europe. It’s easy to elude the forces of the world when your diet consists of qat and oysters. Face it, life sucks anyway. What are they going to do? Kill you? Thank you Somalia for presenting Africa with problems not only of the 21st century, but the 18th century as well. Way to set us back to slavery and colonization.
2. All eyes have been on Ghana for the month of December because of its’ general elections taking place. The West and other African nations have been looking to this pioneer to prove that democracy can indeed work on this continent plagued by war and mismanagement. Sadly, given the events of this week where police fired lived rounds on one party’s supporters (NPP) and not the supporters of the other guys (NDC) when both came out to demonstrate to hasten the declaration of a winner, show that Ghana may be heading a** backwards toward her junta days. The country will descend into tribal factions and become a mini Cote D’Ivoire. We hope we’re wrong, but we’re generally not. Hey Ghana! You deserve every life taken becuase you forgotten what manner of “prosperity” JJ brought you before. Your amnesia will be your destruction. Congratulations!
3. Kenya. Sweet, sweet Kenya. This country is looking to Obama to save them. Upon the declaration of Barack Obama’s presidential win, a Kenyan cabinet member declared that “Obama’s win has erased all the negativity of our failed elections and the violence that followed last year.” What an idiot. I wish we could recall this buffoons name. Hey dumbass (you know who you are), nothing can erase the shame of grown men taking machetes and hacking babies and women to death, just because their candidate of choice did not win. And if you are waiting for president-elect Obama to somehow save your country from h*ll, keep waiting. Our prediction is that you will be stood up like an ugly girl going to her senior party. Fools.
4. South Africa - SA will continue it’s course of “non-intervention” (code for punk out) with Zimbabwe. Well, when you have fools and illiterates like Jacob Zuma who believe they are AIDS free because they took a shower after raping a woman, what can you expect. Our prediction is that Mr. Zuma will fire all his health ministers and begin a campaign to provide free hot showers to men affected by AIDS. Because, you know, a shower will “protect you”. But only if you shower with a smile on your face.
5. Zimbabwe - Our hope is that Robert Mugabe lives a long and prosperous life as ruler of this country. Like George Bush, he has been very good for comedy, and now that Mr. Bush is leaving, we’ll need our whipping boy. Fortunately, democracy does not work in Zim, and we can count on “monkey boy” to bring us more giggles. And for those of you who are offended at us calling a black man “monkey boy”, take your offense elsewhere. It’s ok when black people call other black people “monkey”, just like it’s ok for a black man to brutalize his own people…because he’s black. White people can’t, but Mugabe can. Because he’s black. Get it? Good.
6. Darfur - Sadly, everyone has already forgotten about Darfur, where after five years of rape, murder and destruction, Omar Bashir says “only” 86 people have died. We weren’t sure how to take this. Was this a racist remark? It’s well documented that many Arabs do not regard Blacks as “people”, so what is Omar really saying? We have no predictions for Darfur…but we wish them good luck with this b*stard at the helm.
Overall, our team is really excited about what 2009 is going to bring for the continent. Her conflicts fuel the economies of industrialized nations by buying iron ore for pennies and selling it back to her in the form of machetes and guns. The greed of her leaders has made millionaires in Europe and America. Her children are raped and sold so that pedophiles and people of low morale conscience can live more comfortably. And through it all, our team will be here to bring you the lighter side of her troubles.
Mama Afrika, happy 2009!
