Zuma to Bring “Traditional” Values to Presidency
0 Comments
Jo’burg, SA – Jacob Zuma, leader of South Africa ’s African National Congress (ANC) has vowed to be guided by “traditional values” as president of South Africa.
ANC President Jacob Zuma with bodyguard entering court on Tuesday, March 11, 2008. -Pan-African News Wire
“It’s a new day for our country,” Mr. Zuma declared to an enthusiastic crowd in East London. “As usual, I bring you promises of affordable and accessible healthcare for all, development and jobs. But this time, my countrymen, it will be different!”
The eager audience listened on as Zuma laid out the details of the ANC’s new manifesto.
“For too long, we have abandoned the ways of our forefathers,” said Zuma, who is Zulu. “In my commitment to bring our traditions to the front, I have picked up my fifth wife this week.”
In the Zulu tradition, he paraded his newest bare-chested prize in front of the masses for all to see and (hopefully) approve of.
“Look at her breasts! She’ll make an excellent First/Fifth Lady, don’t you think?”
The majority male crowd roared its approval.
In addition to advocating “open and fair” polygamy, Zuma also proposed new measures for job creation, social conduct and healthcare.
“The three are all related,” he explained. “That is why as soon as I take office, I will institute a new campaign addressing all three. The campaign is entitled: It’s not rape if she’s your wife.
The presidential hopeful, who was himself acquitted of rape in 2008, explained that a man cannot “rape a woman if he owns her free and clear”. As a traditionalist, he is of the opinion that putting a ring on a woman’s finger makes her the property of that man.
“The rest of the country will come to know this too,” he said solemnly.
He also talked in length about creating jobs, particularly in healthcare.
“A shower after intercourse with an HIV positive partner will only go so far in protecting you from the disease,” he said. “I know this now. But I am committed to setting up ‘showering stations’ in every clinic for any man who does not want to go through the time consuming process of anti-viral treatment for AIDS.”
The leader admitted that it might sound ludicrous to some now, but urged his critics to think about the logic in his healthcare/job creation plan.
“South Africa will become an even bigger hotbed for AIDS, which will lead to more foreign investment into our country as companies use our population as guinea pigs to look for a ‘cure’, which will lead to more jobs in nursing and research for our healthcare professionals. At the same time, the (male) population will enjoy free hot showers…something few of them enjoy in the shanty towns they currently live in.”
South Africa will hold its next general election sometime between April and June of this year.
