Why African Despots Don’t Want to Go
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Kumasi - As Ghana prepares to have it’s third free and, hopefully, fair elections this Sunday, we are graced to hear from one of her most prolific leaders of last century, Jerry John Rawlings. Please believe it! The man who brought us slogans such as “tighten your belt” and “one man, one toilet” talked with our reports about what is at stake for the outgoing leadership and what it means to be a “president” in Africa.
Former President of Ghana, Jerry John Rawlings
MB: Your Excellency, Former President, Flight Lieutenant Jerry John Rawlings, it is an honor to speak with you. Did we get all your titles? We know how you like titles.
JJ: You forgot “Doctor”. I was given an honorary degree from Lincoln University in 1995.
MB: Very sorry sir.
JJ: I’ll kill you if you forget next time.
Uncomfortable silence
MB: Well! Let’s get right into it! We’re here so that you can share with us why it means so much to president in Africa, particularly in this post Nkrumah/Mandela day. Over to you sir.
JJ: Let me be very clear. No one gets into politics (in Africa) for love of country. It is honestly the only viable health and life insurance plan you can have on the continent. But that’s only if you play your cards right. Take someone like me. I held Ghana in the grip of fear for 20 or so years, and the only reason some people haven’t assassinated me is because I’ve proven to be ruthless and crazy. I’ve killed a lot of people, but no one can kill me. JJ stands for “Junior Jesus”, you know.
MB: Does it?
JJ: Don’t interrupt!
Uncomfortable silence
JJ: So like I was saying. I have always professed a hatred for multiparty democracy because it is alien to the Ghanaian people. And not just Ghanaian, but all Africans. The only thing they understand is brutality and war.
But I believe I’m mini atseo le (i.e. how do you say), digressing. Men want to be president in Africa because you can send your kids to school abroad, have as many toilets in your house, and because it is the only way you can live a long and fruitful life. Look at someone like Mugabe. He has been in power since 1980. This is a man born in 1924, and doesn’t look a day over 50! Do you think this is possible on a diet of yam and beans? He eats the finest foods and wears the finest clothes. And this is only possible when you’re president. Now, let’s consider Obama. The man has not even been sworn into office, and he has already aged. Clinton, Bush, Reagan…all aged before their time. The great thing about being an African head of state is that the world has so little expectations of you, and even if you make the smallest effort, it’s lauded on an international level. Me myself, I was given the World Hunger Award…when about 40% of the population of my country got by on gari and oil every day. It’s incredible.
MB: If we can ask, what does this election mean to you, personally?
JJ: Well, I’ve got this puppet see…Atta Mills…who will do my personal bidding. Look. I came into this game weighing a measly 145 lbs and bought gari and beans on credit because I had no money. I now have several houses, one of which you can only get to by helicopter, my kids have gone to the best schools abroad, and some “investments” that need insuring. I can’t afford to have these NPP guys in there another 4 years. That’s why NDC is copying the Obama manifesto as much as possible, even down to his website. We’re…I mean he…is running on platform of “hope and change.”
JJ chuckled to himself
Ghanaians are so optimistic, almost to the point of lunacy. It’s just fortunate for me and other backwards thinking men like me that they are.
MB: Ohhhkay. Well Your Excellency Doctor…
JJ: Look, I know you want to thank me for the interview, but I don’t have time to sit around while you mention my plenty names and titles. Atta will see you to the door.
And so ended our meeting with the man who has burned down markets, shot judges and ruined the educational system of an entire nation…but in comparison to other “leaders” he isn’t really that bad, is he? Plus, he served us pancakes during the interview.
Anyone who serves you pancakes has to be a nice guy.
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