50 Cent Retires, 50 Cedi Inspires
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Accra, Ghana - It is now official. After outselling him in the first week their respective albums went on sale, Kanye West blew 50 Cent aka, Curtis Jackson, out of the water.
The news was welcome by Kanye’s supporters, who have long tired of seeing 50’s smug mug on entertainment channels everywhere. 50 boldly proclaimed that he would retire if Kanye’s “Graduation” outsold his “Curtis” offering. This was just the news Kwabena Bimpong, aka 50 Cedi, had been waiting on.
Kwabena has made a small fortune in the hip-life career covering Curtis’ hottest tracks and tunes. Hiding in the ghetto of Chorkor, he knew there was no way he would be discovered stealing the US superstar’s hits and making them his own. Cedi granted Maize Break an interview in his posh living room. There is a television powered by a car battery and a small window allowing sunlight to filter in.
“It was just good luck for me that Fiddy lost the game,” he confided. “Now that he is a failed artist, I continue my work in peace.”
Cedi’s plan is to rename all 50’s best club hits by their trademark base lines. “In Da Club” for example will now be called Bong-Bong…bombom, Bong-bong! When Cedi is not sure what Fiddy is saying in his songs, he merely inserts a stream of “Yo, yo, yo’s!!” into the confusing line. Cedi has big plans for his new career.
“You see, unlike 50, I shall use my rap powers for good, not evil,” he promises. “He has hurt so many people with his behavior: Vivica, Game, the list goes on!”
We asked if his new immolation of one of rap’s greatest stars will be complete. Would he allow himself to be shot none times? He was very confident in his response
“Noooo,” said Kwabena. “In Ghana, we don’t have fashionable guns like they have in New York. If I were to be shot here, it would be an AK-47. Fiddy has a permanent look of smuggery on his face where the bullet is lodged in his tongue. Where as I…I could be permanently disfigured. So noooo…”
Cedi claims to have known all along that the rap moguls end was near. His evidence? The Curtis album cover itself.
“I mean, look at his face! Have you ever seen a Black man look so worried and confused like that?” He clicks his tongue in sympathy. “He naaa, he must have known the end was near.”
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